We have a paradox: on the one hand we know change is inevitable, and on the other we can feel shocked when it happens.

I’d like to share a perspective about shock and change, which I hope you’ll find hopeful.

The pivotal point is: shock is a transformative state.

Now what does that mean? Well, as we know, shock happens when what we had expected to happen doesn’t happen. And we’re immediately confronted with our limitations: of perception and understanding, sometimes our identity and usually our power. The mind has to quickly calculate: what the **** is this, and what the **** I do now?

So shock brings us to this meeting point of humility and power: what we can’t do and what we can do. And as our mind makes its split-second calculations to try to keep us safe from the unexpected and unknown, there are several shock responses available, three of which I’m going to look at here. As I describe them, see if you can recognize them in your own life, because I’d like us to note their power, and our potential for transformation. (Please note that whilst I use some levity in the language here, I am not dismissing or diminishing the detrimental impacts)

Type 1: The shock-response of phobia
AKA: That’s bad and I don’t want it.

If you want to create this, find a small child who loves and trusts you, walk up behind them, say their name, and as they turn, throw a spider in their face. [Obvs, don’t do this, ‘K? Great, thanks].

You’ve just created the conditions necessary for shock. And the awful kind of awe. In that moment, within the shock-response of phobia, the mind can calculate: “The world is not safe, I cannot trust others, or myself. If that’s possible, what’s possible now?”. Life contracts for protection.

Type 2: The shock-response of philia
AKA: That’s good and I want it.

You might have had this when you did something new. Maybe the first time you went to the theatre, saw a dancer, went to a concert, or skydiving, or scuba diving, or… and you felt this sudden affinity that brings you to life. The awesome kind of awe. That you now know you need in your life, and which you will be deliberately using from now on to repeatedly bring yourself to life.

In that moment, within the shock-response of philia, the mind can calculate: “The world is wonderful, I can trust others, and myself. If that’s possible, what’s possible now?”. Life expands into richer aliveness.

Type 3: The shock-response of pivotal actions
Let’s start with an example. You’re with your partner of 20 years. Then. One day. They say ‘I’m leaving’. Suddenly life as you know it and the future you’d expected: gone. Deep breath in…. The mind calculates: …what’s possible now? … Deep breath out.

And you’ll know that some people in some situations don’t get to bring themselves to life. Life contracts for protection. The pain is so bad nothing else can be endured or risked.

And you’ll know that for other people the pain is so bad anything else can be endured or risked. So they do — find a way — to start that business they’d been too scared to, learn that skill they’d said no to; stand up to that person; ask out this other person they’d previously been too embarrassed to in that old structure, with that old identity, before the shock disrupted things.

And in this opening up to new actions and new experiences, with the pain, step by step, by moment, by calculation, they begin building new meaning, and they find a way to bring themselves into a new life. New identity. New power. New perception. New understanding.

New possibilities.

For you, right now
Right now we are all in an environment of shock. In our own ways we’ve all been required to meet humility and consider our power. We’re already disrupted. So if there is a change that you’ve been thinking you might want to make, as long as you have your basic safety met, now may be the time. Because we know we can’t wait to feel good to act. We feel hungry? We eat. Thirsty? Drink. Inert? Exert. We feel uncomfortable first, then take action, then feel better.

So, gently, bring to mind a time when you found yourself in a difficult situation, painful, and you, somehow, found yourself able to do things you didn’t think possible — found a quality of strength, grit, imagination, kindness — you never knew you had, and you shocked yourself by doing it, and in that process transformed something about yourself and your life.

Because if you can do that, what’s possible now?

Thanks for reading. If this has been helpful to you then feel free to let me know. And if you found it interesting then please feel free to share it so other people can find and enjoy it too.


(Originally published on Medium in 2020 https://medium.com/@eveparmiter/a-therapists-guide-to-shock-57d7a7e74681)