Them: “I never know how you FEEL!” (you never tell me anything!)

Me: “But I’m right HERE!” (how can you not know?!)

That, dear reader, is the short story of many of my past relationships.

For me, here’s how it works: I live in my head, and my body. I’ll have a conversation with you in my head that you will know nothing about and yet part of me, emotionally, will assume that you now know it: heard, received and understood. And I’ll show you how I feel about you by spending time with you (that’s the body bit). If I’m with you, I care about you. I really do. My time and energy are two of my most precious resources, so if I spend a lot of time with you then I probably love you in some way. I expect you to understand this.

Error!

Just because that’s how I show I care does not mean that that’s how people understand they’re cared about.

True Story No.1

I’m currently rabbit-sitting. Said rabbit and I have known each other for about a year. He’s a grumpy little ****. Recently his anti-social behaviour has involved scrabbling in his litter tray so the stuff goes everywhere, tipping over his water bowl, and trying to push me off the sofa. Except he hasn’t. He’s been playing with me. Intention is lost in translation if it isn’t matched to the other person’s perception. Now I get it, now I play back, and now he’s eating treats out of my hand = we’re both winning at this.

But that’s a rabbit, right? Doesn’t take a genius (…ahem). So, people…?

Well, think of yourself for a moment: Do you share your thoughts and feelings by what you say? What you do? By listening? And how do you know you’re loved? Because of what someone says to you? Gives to you? Does for you? Listens to you? Is there for you? And if you don’t know what works for you, how is anyone else supposed to?

Now think of that other person. Do they know they’re loved / appreciated / understood by being told the words ‘I love you’, or do they think words are easy to say and will only feel loved if you’re there holding their hand, linking little fingers, or by you arriving on time, looking fabulous showing that you’ve made an effort for them?

These are our evidence criteria and they are influenced by our preferred modes of perception. We have five to choose from: what we see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. And we tend to have a preference for one over the others in different situations, hence: I know you love me because you’ve: written me a letter, told me whilst sober, held my hand in public, worn the fragrance I bought you, or cooked me the most delicious food.

So, a positive connection between intention and perception requires your methods meeting their evidence criteria. (And vice versa).

True Story No.2

One partner and I only told each other we loved each other after we’d split up. (I know, I know…). It was a surprise to both of us. I have never spent so much time around someone else. Every spare moment. Very unlike me. How could she not know how I felt?! And how did she communicate her feelings for me? She told me she loved me — whilst I was sleeping. Excellent, great, thank you, I can really work with that information…

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been the first to say I love you, and that’s me being brave. But me being authentic is me being here with you with full attention (not, for example, split between you and my phone). But for others to understand that’s how I feel I’ve had to do and say things that make me feel really vulnerable (like being held by them), ridiculously awkward (dressing up for a night out with their friends), and emotionally clumsy (putting this stuff into spoken words in the moment right here and now (for context, I consider ‘Great’ to be a full answer to “How’s your day been?’, yet others find this makes me seem closed and inaccessible. Baffling…)). But them knowing matters to me, so I do it and… I’m getting better at it.

So, sharing, it seems to me, has several parts, two of which being: that you share should be more on your terms, how you share should be more on theirs. (If you want it to work).

This is a skillset that definitely needs practice, so shall we stop expecting each other to be psychic, hmm? If you don’t know what works for them then ask them. And if you don’t know what works for you then figure it out and tell them.

So it really isn’t the thought that counts. Don’t just think it. Don’t have a conversation with them in your head. (Or tell them when they’re asleep). If you mean it, if you want it to count, then let them know. On your terms and in theirs.

Thanks for reading. If this has been helpful to you then feel free to let me know. And if you found it interesting then please feel free to share it so other people can find and enjoy it too.

(Originally published on Medium in 2015, https://medium.com/@eveparmiter/it-s-not-the-thought-that-counts-c6ac113de9fe )

Image credit: neosiam via Pexels