(Irritated therapist steps on soapbox to address this…)
“You have everything you need inside you”
BULLSH*T. Of the careless meme and inspirational quip variety.
“You have everything you need inside you”
Right so…
You didn’t need anyone to teach you how to… speak? Write? Think? Code? Cook? Clean your teeth…?
You’re completely self-sufficient, are you?
Right. As far as I know, no one has reproduced solo…so…?
And can you make your own medicine? I can barely make a lasagne let alone begin to figure out how to make, let’s say, an anti-histamine (Step 1: ummm, find a plant that has something in it I might need to erm block a receptor cell….?). Or chemotherapy. Or remove a bloodclot from my brain. Or…
I don’t know how my microwave works let alone have the slightest grasp of how the internet works. So all those items you use, you don’t need any one of those, do you. And you write everything you read, yes? Play all the music you hear. Uh-huh.
And are you saying you don’t need an audience? Clients? Customers? Competitors? Collaborators? Conspirators? <Drumroll> Friends?
Oh, and does all your inspiration come from inside of you? Really? With no cues, triggers, or any influence whatsoever from any perceptions you have of what’s going on beyond the interior of your skin?
“You have everything you need inside you”
No. Clearly and utterly, No.
Why is this delusional bullshit dangerous?
So many reasons. Here’re two.
1) Because if you feel like you *don’t* have total autonomy and independence, the utter sovereignty of total self-determination and -sufficiency, then logically you are not sufficient.
And this is where the narrative of weakness comes in that we are so familiar with in our cultures — I’m weak if I ask for help, I’m weak if I can’t do it alone, I’m weak if need [enter basic human need, behaviour, or connection here].
Then what happens? Disconnection. From your own power and outside sources of power. The exact opposite of what the (well-meaning) deliverer of the bullshit probably intended.
“If I can’t do x then I must not be good enough [for … enter, again, basic human need, behaviour, or connection here].”
Our minds make meanings (if … then…) and judgements (not meeting a standard of worthiness has consequences) that create really damaging patterns of feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. It damages your sense of self and results in, amongst other things, shame, and gradations of despair and hopelessness and learned helplessness and disrupted attachments: many varieties of disconnection from self, others, and otherwise available sources of power.
Even though the reality is that we are worthy of connection: acceptance, belonging, love. And yes we can find those within our self and for our self. And we need it from others too.
2) Think, if you will, just slightly beyond yourself to what ‘You don’t need anyone or anything’ legitimizes. For example, if you state that no one needs anything beyond themselves then you do not get to find fault with neglect, be it in homes, workplaces, orphanages, care homes, hospitals, within relationships, domestic or otherwise.
Because if you have everything you need and you don’t use it, given that logically you are able to choose to use it but are choosing not to, then, logically, it’s your fault if you do not have what you want, are not doing or feeling what you want, or are not being who and how you want to be.
So if what I need isn’t inside me, where is it?
My school of therapy begins with the assumption that everyone has the resources they need to solve their own problems and live the life they want to. So why come to therapy? Because you may need help connecting to those resources. Like courage, imagination, resilience, the ability to spot opportunities, ways to manage whatever it is that feels unmanageable. Connecting to belief in yourself. Belief in the kindness of others. Connecting to hope. Or just building a plan of action, and finding the tools you need.
You: “I just *know* I bought a crosshead screwdriver but I can’t remember the Very Sensible place I stored it. Would you mind casting a fresh pair of eyes over the shed to see if you can find it?:
Me: “Certainly. I’d be glad to help. Here it is.”
You: “Ah actually now I look at the job it seems I need a flathead…”
Me: “Here, have mine. I have a spare at home.”
Or, maybe you just need a few more tools in the toolbox. Not sure how to put words to your feelings and thoughts? Not sure how to think about things from another perspective? OK, let’s have a look at that.
Sharing tools in therapy and coaching is, for me, like sharing toys: I have a great toy. I give it to you so you can play with it. And magically we’ve both got the toy so we can both play better games, separately or together.
That was not inside me. That was given to me. By people, with people. Through therapy, and coaching, and training, and practice. I was not deficient beforehand. I was sufficient. Worthy of acceptance, belonging, love, trust, connection, attachment. But what I needed was not inside me.
But this rant isn’t about therapy. This is about a basic responsibility to not spout bullshit. Because the effects are not neutral. Ever had a similar exchange when you’ve been really struggling:
Them: “Hey, how’re you?” (all cheery and in passing)
You: “…not so great today” (trying to downplay your crushing pain)
Them: “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine” (breezes off, adamant that you have everything you need inside of you)
You (to yourself, in feelings if not in thoughts): “I’ll be fine, will I? Maybe I won’t be…. But if I have everything I need inside me then I guess it’s my fault if I’m not. Double failure… If only it was a good thing to ask for help…”
So, deploy some care. Develop some skill. Don’t contribute to a narrative that plays into games of disconnection. If you feel a ‘motivational’ pleasantry coming on — or one being thrown at you — then ask:
What does this enable?
What does this hinder?
What else might be going on here?
Thanks for reading. If this has been helpful to you then feel free to let me know. And if you found it interesting then please feel free to share it so other people can find and enjoy it too.
(Originally published on Medium in 2018 https://medium.com/@eveparmiter/rant-1-x-you-have-everything-you-need-inside-you-8ba8dfecbfb0)
