Points medals stars trophies acknowledgment appreciation gratitude recognition?

Yes please!

We like a bit of that, don’t we? Not only do we like it. We need it. It helps us *feel* needed and liked. Valued and safe. A chemical cocktail of human OKness.

Even if we get a bit embarrassed when someone gives us those things. Perhaps especially when they do it publicly.

Because it’s also scary.

Because being seen can mean being evaluated against standards held by others who have some power over us. And that power could be economic, social, emotional, spiritual, physical.

Are we good enough? I mean *really honestly* good enough? Are we acceptable? Worthy? How do we *know* for sure?

Well, to help us along with this, I’m going to give us 4 key steps, 2 you’re likely already doing, and 2 most people haven’t thought of that can be transformative for you, your life, and relationships. You’re welcome. And you can thank me later.

Control and Predict: is this OK?

As humans we have a tendency to try to mind-read others in order to predict what they’re going to do. It’s an attempt to increase our sense of being able (if not our actual capacity) to control what happens to us. We run those ‘what-if, if-then’ scenarios.

Scenarios are playtime for the mind. And if part of your mind is anxious and afraid of being seen because it doesn’t feel safe e.g. “they’ll find out I’m [insert your fear here, or your shame, or guilt, or anything that might make you potentially less than perfectly acceptable to others or yourself… Hello Impostor Syndrome! Nice to see you again, have a seat…]” then you are judging yourself too. And questioning if the appreciation is real or warranted or safe to accept (are we being set up for pride before a fall…?). And if we’re doing this, we’ll try to dismiss, deflect, or diminish it — and consequentially ourselves.

This is a stressful position to be in, isn’t it. I’m guessing you recognise it. I’ve not met anyone who’s never been there.

But what happens when it goes well?

“I’ve been seen and I’m OK”

Perhaps even more than OK, perhaps even honestly liked and valued, wanted and respected, and maybe — *maybe* — even loved.

Because of this range of possible outcomes, it’s a good thing to practice giving and receiving appreciation.

This is the bit you know and I’m guessing you’re already doing, so I’ll be brief.

Part I: Between ourselves and others

Imagine the scene:

It’s your birthday (yay!). I rock up to your party and give you a gift, all nicely wrapped (yes I did take some time over it, thank you for noticing) and you get all ‘oh no really I couldn’t possibly accept it, I don’t deserve it, I don’t know what to say’ (social variants of fight, flight, freeze) then I’m going to be standing there awkwardly with this lovely thing not knowing quite what to do with it. Do I… keep it? Force you to take it? Put it down so I have hands free for a large glass of something-less-awkward-please? (yes, that’s right, well spotted: these are also variants of flight, fight, freeze).

*Spare me the difficulty* and just take the thing and say thank you. Then you have it. And who knows, you miiiiight enjoy it. Give yourself the option, hey. Please? Thank you.

Part II: Practice

Find reasons to appreciate other people. Give them a compliment in passing. No big deal. “I like your shoes.” “The work you did on this was helpful, thanks”. “This tea’s lovely, thanks for making it”.

How?

You make the choice to direct your attention, you notice something about them (their skills, energy, work ethic, humour, courage, thoughtfulness) that you can honestly appreciate, and you tell them. Genuinely. Simply. Directly. Not expecting anything back. It’s a surprisingly freeing thing to do.

N.B. Choosing something that they have control over tends to produce better results, e.g. their choice or effort, rather than something they can’t affect like eye colour or ‘talent’. Because you can’t do much about the status of the latter, it can lead to an odd feeling of awkwardness or even helplessness. I can like that you like my eyes, and it tells me something about you that you noticed them and said so, but I didn’t *earn* them.

Impact

When you’re finding an opportunity each day to acknowledge something positive about someone, amazing things will begin to happen.

1. You’ll begin noticing more positive things (your mind goes looking for evidence to support your thoughts, which is a principle you can leverage in very useful ways)

2. People will start associating you with positive things (yes, association bias, but this time we’re not shooting the messenger, we’re beaming at them)

3. Your relationships will begin to improve. You’ve genuinely made someone feel good about themselves. And people will remember how you made them feel.

That’s powerful action right there.

Then what?

When someone genuinely gives you an acknowledgment, just say thank you.

Easy to write, isn’t it? In practice, lots of us get the squirmies. Like the birthday gift. So breathe, don’t dismiss it, just accept it. Once it’s in your hands, you can leave it on the table or take it to heart, practicing how much you’re letting it affect you, how much you might like to feel moved by it. And maybe you do that now, in the moment, or maybe it’s later, when you’re feeling like it, that you find it’s easier to feel what it could mean to you, to have this be true for someone about you. And what if, you could ask yourself, (scenario playing again) what if this were true for me too? What might this mean about who I am, what I could do, who I could become?

And now the bit I bet you’re not doing

The other variable? Oh yes, the one between you and you. How often do you do that? If you’re anything like I was, and the people who choose to work with me are when we start working together, you are probably one of the last people you acknowledge for your efforts and achievement.

Why? Because we’re not trained to do it. You haven’t thought about it. And you’ve just not made it a habit yet.

Why should you? Remember that list of things that other people will feel when you acknowledge them? That lovely human cocktail of OKness? Yes, that.

And not only that — this:

Part III: Baseline

Imagine a scenario. You’re really struggling. Perhaps you’re struggling with very low mood, low energy. Getting out of bed feels almost impossible. But somehow you do it. You don’t acknowledge your effort. Maybe a little later after you’ve gathered some energy from somewhere, you make it into the shower. It takes everything you’ve got. You don’t acknowledge your effort. In fact you berate yourself for not being able to do even the simplest things. Next you get a glass of water and eat something even though you have no appetite. That’s it. Maximum effort. Day done.

You gave it everything you had. And you didn’t acknowledge it. So what are you training your mind to think, to feel? Why bother doing any of this again tomorrow? There’s no reward. Only punishment.

This is important: You are not immune to your own neglect.

If you are struggling, say to yourself ‘well done, thank you’: ‘thank you for getting out of bed, well done.’ ‘Well done for showering, thank you’. Why? Appreciation signals recognition and fuels determination and motivation. It acknowledges movement. And the experience of movement is essential for hope.

What you do feels worth it. And this is part of helping you feel that you are worth it. Acknowledging your own effort means that you are seeing yourself, it is safe to be seen, it’s safe to be you. That’s the baseline.

Part IV: From burnout to baseline to fired up

Let’s say you do this and things improve for you. Good. Now getting out of bed is nothing. Showering, automatic. Your goals are higher. Perhaps the goal now is getting the next sales target at work or training for a triathlon or starting a relationship. And you stop saying well done and thank you to yourself for all those things that got you to that starting line in the first place.

Poor choice.  Failure to acknowledge effort will diminish healthy effort. ‘Why bother? She doesn’t appreciate me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Will I only be good enough for her when I do the next thing, then the next thing, because there’s always the unrelenting Next Thing, and even then evidence shows that I still won’t be good enough. Will I ever get to rest? I’m so tired…’ If you recognise this chain you’ll recognise that it leads right back to burnout.

Fired Up: Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps

There’s a US coach called Tim Wooden (Basketball, UCLA) who at the first meeting with new players, teaches them how to tie their shoe laces. Why? Lose laces cause trips. Trips cause sprains. Sprains lose points. Lost points lose games. Lost games lose seasons. Lost seasons, unfulfilled careers.

If you don’t appreciate the small steps, you wont have practiced enough to appreciate the big steps. Haven’t run around the block? That 5k is going to be hard. Haven’t done the 5k, you’re going to be very ouchy in that half marathon. If you don’t do the little you can’t do the big. Watch sprinters start: the start is as important and the finish and you don’t get to the finish without taking care of each step along the way. And you don’t get to the start line if you don’t tie your laces. “Thank you for starting” is as important as “well done for finishing”.

Own each step. Own your actions. Own the acknowledgement, whether it comes from you or others. Thank you, well done. Because when you own your power you become more powerful. When you own the acknowledgment, simply, directly, honestly, then you free up the energy that would otherwise be used in deflecting or diminishing you and your efforts. And what can you do with that energy? Maybe — *maybe *— you can enjoy your win. Ownership, action, hope, joy? Now there that’s another powerful combination.

Yes, if other people helped, great, you can acknowledge their involvement. But only if you own the win first. And when you own yours, it makes it even more powerful when you recognize others’, because then they *know* you really mean it.

Small Things: Tying Up Loose Ends

“But Eve, it feels really unnatural to say to myself well done & thank you”

So did learning to tie your laces.

Do it anyway.

Recognition Appreciation Action Hope Joy → *Aliveness*

Well done. Thank you.